Purpose in the Shadows: The Indispensable Role of a Leader's Wife

“Do you think I have what it takes to be a pastor’s wife?” The fear and uncertainty etched in Julie’s voice touched me deeply. She and her husband were looking for a ministry in which to serve, but qualms of “having what it takes” gnawed at the edges of her confidence.

Julie’s question relates to roles, confidence, and God’s direction. How does a wife

determine her role when her husband occupies a position of power or high visibility?  I understood her uneasiness. How often had I disappointed others or failed to grasp the motives or expectations of colleagues and associates operating in my husband’s sphere? 

The role of the leader’s wife is complex.

Often such women do not recognize

that they offer something unique beyond their wifely roles, that they

are vital in the sphere where God

has placed them. Scripture reveals

that God is not merely an option

to us: He is essential. In the same

way, Scripture teaches that God has given women an essential, irreplaceable role. In the book Captivating, John and Staci Eldredge explain Eve’s place in creation: “[C]an there be any doubt that Eve is the crown of creation? Not an afterthought. Not a nice addition like an ornament on a tree. She is God’s final touch . … She fills a place in the world nothing and no one else can fill.”[1]  Eve. Woman. Femininity. Wow.

The Essential Eve

Ultimately, when a wife experiences self-doubt or feels like merely an ornament on the tree of her husband’s career, she must remember God’s design. In the garden, Adam enjoyed a perfect relationship with God, an unbroken friendship. Yet God saw that Adam needed someone human but different—the beautiful, feminine Eve. She would bear God’s image in ways Adam never could. Today, the same is true for wives of leader-husbands.

The First Marriage

Although Scripture does not mention the word marriage in the creation account, the implication is there: “Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:23). What did God have in mind, then, when He united Adam and Eve or when He joined us with our husbands? Just as God has always been in a joyous love relationship— Father, Son, and Holy Spirit—so Adam and Eve together, through their marriage, could showcase the heart and love of the Creator to the world. 

My friend, Bud McCord, explains that the purpose of marriage is “to make visible and available on earth what constantly exists at all times in God, sustained love.”[2] The source of all love is God (1 John 4:8), and He reveals one aspect of His eternal love in the institution of marriage. Jesus said, “As the Father loved Me, I also have loved you; abide in My love. . . . These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be full” (John 15:9, 11). One way we can exhibit the love of God is through our marriages: physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Side by side, hand in hand, we model to this hurting world the sustaining love of God, the Three in One. Some of the ways the world beholds the reality of Christ’s work of salvation and sanctification is through our churches and through our marriages. His joyous love  in us works for us and flows through us to others. It is our privilege to model this love relationship to a broken world.

Do We Have What It Takes?

Women who are Jesus-followers fulfill an irreplaceable role assigned by their Creator, one men cannot fill. This value arises, not from a spouse or parents or personal accomplishments, but from the Holy One. We represent the God of the universe. To be a child of the King of kings bestows upon us position and honor. We must bask in His love, His care, His concern over every detail of our lives, for Jesus said, “the very hairs of your head are all numbered” (Matthew 10:30).

For women who ask, “Do I have what it takes?” I would answer, “yes!” You are exactly the right woman to minister alongside your husband. God joined you for His purposes. The role requires both confidence and humility as Madeleine L’Engle astutely observed:

In a very real sense not one of us is qualified, but it

seems that God continually chooses the most

unqualified to do his work, to bear his glory. If we are

qualified, we tend to think that we have done the job

ourselves. If we are forced to accept our evident lack of

qualification, then there’s no danger that we will confuse

God’s work with our own, or God’s glory with our own.[3]

No one meets the eligibility requirements to serve God. That’s why Paul encouraged the Corinthians: “[God] said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. . . . For when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Corinthians 12:9–10).

Certainly, the Lord uses the gifts He places within you (1 Corinthians 12:4–30). Yet along with those gifts, you will have lessons to learn, habits to forsake, and areas to improve. Through success and trial, the Lord promises to walk beside you (Psalm 23), to guide you in all truth (John 16:13). You were created in God’s image, to be His unique representative to the world, to your world. None other is like you. No one will ever be like you. In any circumstance, God will enable you to shine His love and mercy on those in your sphere. So, let your light shine!

To further explore this topic, order my new book, The Private Side of Leadership.

[1] John and Staci Eldredge, Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul (Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson, 2005), 33

[2]Bud McCord, Six Metaphors of a Happy Marriage (Miami, FL: Abide International, 2010), 20.

[3]Madeleine L’Engle, Walking on Water (Colorado Springs, CO: Waterbrook Press, 1972), 67