Love Keeps No Record of Wrongs

By Guest Writer, Paula Miller

Amanda clears the dinner dishes

while her husband rushes off to

watch his favorite team on Mon-

day Night Football with his buddies. 

Inwardly, Amanda’s resentment

simmers.  Why should the cleanup

always be left to her?  He’s being

selfish again; he always puts his

interests first, she thinks. She adds

this latest “husband failure” to her

list of offenses, building her arsenal

for their next “couple conflict.”

Despite the Apostle Paul’s scriptural reminder that love is not easily angered and keeps no record of wrongs—we, like Amanda, can overlook that truth. In some cases, these lists of offenses become etched in stone. We’ve all heard stories of family members estranged for decades because of unresolved disagreements, insults, or injuries. The same wrongs, whether ten or fifty years past, are recalled, keeping various transgressions alive. So what prevents us from freely offering forgiveness?

Ruled by Pride

One reason for clinging to offenses may be our own pride. We think of ourselves as better than the offender.  We would never  be so cruel as to betray a friend; we would never deceive a loved one. Yet the truth is that all have sinned; all fall short of God’s glory (Romans 3:23).  We must face our own darkness before we start criticizing that blackened kettle that so annoys us because unforgiveness is a sin, too. 

To illustrate this matter, Jesus told a story about a king who threatened to sell one of his servants into slavery for unpaid debts.  When the servant begged for mercy, he received it, but then that same man failed to show mercy toward his own debtors.  For his hypocrisy and lack of compassion, the king sent the man to prison until his debt was settled.  Then Jesus warned, “‘This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart’” (Matthew 18:35, NIV).

Forgiveness requires us to abandon our pride and resentments, to overlook offenses, to accept others with all their imperfections and misdemeanors.  A bit of humility can go a long way. How much better to take Paul’s advice as he encouraged the Ephesians, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you” (4:32, NIV). 

Wielding Power

A second possibility is that keeping a stockpile of negative memories serves as ammunition against offending foes. To let the stockpile go means surrendering one’s emotional armaments.  Some see forgiveness as a “win” for the offender and a “loss” for them. To set bitterness and resentment aside represents weakness. Relationships then may be reduced to a score board of victories and defeats, a place where harmony, grace, and mercy have no place and reconciliation is never the goal. Rather, it is maintaining the higher ground on the battle field.

Forgiveness, however, is more than just ignoring an offense, giving up, or becoming a mindless doormat for others to step on. It is taking one’s Christian responsibility seriously and showing the love of Christ even to our antagonists.  Such a position brings confidence, making us stronger because we are no longer weighed down by anger or simmering resentment.  When Jesus taught His disciples to pray, the petition included the phrase, “‘Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors’” (Matthew 6:12). Those debts are sins. What we give up in offering forgiveness is a small price to pay compared to what can be gained by its freedom—obedience to God and salvation by His redemptive power. It frees us from Satan’s destructive influence, for the devil delights in destroyed relationships and unrestrained resentment.

Issuing Punishment 

A third motivation could arise from a desire to make the offender pay for his misdeeds.  If someone has inflicted great pain upon us, we want retribution.  How can we get even? That guy who hurt me should be made to hurt! Social media sites make it easy to insult, demean, even sabotage others. Cancel culture is celebrated.  Audiences applaud films where the protagonist makes the villain suffer, where revenge is exacted.

Yet when did canceling someone from our lives improve a situation?  To forgive may feel like we have given up our chance at justice. However, having an unforgiving spirit fuels emotional pain rather than healing it.  Keeping a years-long list of offenses allows wounds to fester and never mend. We remain prisoners of a past that only promises a bitter future. In contrast, though, if we surrender the ammunition meant for revenge, we can free ourselves from the battle. While letting offenses go and bearing with the unlovable personalities in our lives, we can rest in the knowledge that God is our defender.  He fights for us: “Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge: I will repay,’ says the Lord. … Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good” (Romans 12:19-20).

Forgiveness has not only spiritual profit but also physical and psychological benefits.  Studies show that people who can forgive have improved mental and emotional health, fewer symptoms of depression, and a stronger immune system.  We are not alone in this struggle, for we have a “great high priest” in Jesus Christ, “who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet without sin.  Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need” (Hebrews 4:15-16).

It's possible to shred the offenses list and be set free.  So let’s close the books on those oft-rehearsed resentments from yesterday and greet tomorrow with a clean slate.  For we have been forgiven—a gift we can share.

Linda delves more deeply into this problem and its solutions in her new book, The Private Side of Leadership. 

By guest writer, Paula Miller.

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Paula Miller lives in California and enjoys spending time with her family. Music, reading books, and walking are some of her favorite activities. She has served as an English professor, teaching courses in writing and literature at Azusa Pacific University and Biola University.

Working as a freelance writer, she has published a number of literary articles in works such as Masterplots, Critical Survey of Short Fiction, Critical Survey of Poetry, and The Dictionary of Literary Biography. She is coeditor of a series of devotional books designed for university students that include Student to Student, Campus Voices, and The Campus Survival Guide.

During her husband’s career as an educational administrator and chief academic officer for several universities, she has supported his professional development, cheered and encouraged him in tough times, worked with him in outreach and instructional projects, and often enjoyed (but other times endured) many leadership adventures with him.

Teaching women’s Bible studies and encouraging others on their faith journey are important aspects of her current outreach and focus. She loves church, people, and good conversation.