He's Wrong, Now What?

The following post contains excerpts from a chapter in my upcoming book, The Private Side of Leadership.

Audrey sighed as dread filled her. She and her husband, Todd, were headed toward a courtroom grilling—again. Todd spoke like an eloquent, articulate lawyer, able to win every argument, to winnow her reasoning to nothing, leaving her frustrated and angry. Her opinions didn’t appear to matter; she never met his expectations; his zingers inflicted sharp stings. How was it possible to love someone so much, but in such confrontational moments, experience intense dislike, almost hatred? The couple’s disagreements frequently covered the same ground but made little progress and no resolution. Audrey realized their quarrels were driving them apart; their viewpoints hardened more quickly after each argument. After several years of marriage, finding new ways of relating seemed hopeless.

In contrast to Audrey’s plight, other couple conflicts occur when the husband is passive rather than overbearing. Some husbands surrender decision-making and leadership of their homes to their wives because they are overwhelmed with their work or other responsibilities or have retiring personalities. His reluctance to take charge, even in a collaborative way, can spark a wife’s resentment, impatience, and anger.

Conflict is Normal?

Many of us have experienced similar emotions after conflicts with our husbands. No matter how godly we are or how long we have been married, we wives can still face controversy with our husbands over matters large and small, from finances to why isn’t dinner ready at 5:00 every night. Whatever our issues, whether it’s a husband advancing or retreating, these clashes can make us feel unspiritual when the inevitable conflicts erupt. In such moments, we ask, “Why can’t we get along?” We wonder, What is wrong with him? Or is it me?

Take heart! Conflict is normal! In Acts 15:36-41, Luke recounts a moment when two of the greatest spiritual leaders in the early church, the apostle Paul and his close companion, Barnabas, faced sharp disagreement about taking John Mark on a missionary trip (John Mark had deserted them in the middle of a previous journey). With their bitter contention unresolved, Paul and Barnabas angrily parted. Thankfully, Scripture records in Colossians 4:10 and 2 Timothy 4:11 that they later reconciled and John Mark became one of Paul’s most valued companions.

During their time of estrangement, Paul, Barnabas, and John Mark surely felt burdened about the rift in their friendship, wondering how it would affect those in the churches who would certainly hear of it. Conflicts between Christians inevitably affect more people than just those who are in disagreement. In our homes, those “more people” often include our own children.

Every Christian experiences conflicts—lots of them! It’s a universal fact: friction arises when two people grate against one another’s nerves, goals, desires, expectations, or opinions. No human being escapes such discord. So then, how do we handle the inevitable disagreements? Is there hope that ways of relating will improve?

Lord, Search Me

Those uncomfortable conflicts are actually the agents God uses to refine us and expose our selfish natures. The Psalmist prays,

Search me, O God, and know my heart;

Try me, and know my anxieties;

And see if there is any wicked way in me,

And lead me in the way everlasting”

(Psalm 139:23-24).

We can never see clearly to remove the speck from our husbands’ eye until we discover possible planks in our own (See Matthew 7:3-4). Such acknowledgement requires confessing our sins to the Lord; only then can we intervene in the life of another. Unconfessed sin, especially in our thought lives, does extreme damage to our relationships. In her book, God’s Transmitters, Hannah Hurnard observes, “If there is one sin in the thought life more common than another, it is this brooding … on the shortcomings, blemishes, failures and mistakes of others, until they … crush the thoughts of love in a truly awful way.”[i]

Thoughts of love crushed, trampled! What a sad, poignant picture. One of the greatest challenges in winning spiritual warfare is to bring our thoughts continually under the Spirit of God’s control. May we seek the Lord in this most difficult of disciplines: controlling our attitudes, thoughts, and words for the preservation of our marriages and our relationships.

Ready to Confront

Perhaps we have prayed about and dealt with our own sins while trusting in and waiting on the Lord. However, issues remain that divide our relationship with our husbands. Where to begin?

Concerning this, one of my role models, Edith Schaeffer, wrote, “People throw away what they could have by insisting on perfection, which they cannot have, and looking for it where they will never find it.”[ii]

The impossible dream—perfect relationships! In this life, that “dream” is unattainable. How much better to overlook trivial matters, no matter how irritating. In the minor matters of life, we can choose to be right and damage our relationships or choose to be a servant, thus preserving them. Sadly, we often insist on being right. The Apostle Peter reminds us, “And above all things have fervent love for one another, for ‘love will cover a multitude of sins’” (I Peter 4:8). Some issues, though, do require confrontation. Let us choose our battles wisely. *

A Personal Appeal

As you submit to God and His Word, you will yield more easily to your husband (Ephesians 5:22-24) although in your flesh it will truly always be a challenge. Remember, “victory is not my overcoming sin, or the devil, or the world. True, lasting victory is only found when Jesus overcomes me.”[iii]

As you pray for your husband, trust that God will change him in the best possible way. In that process, God will also transform you. Walk in love, mercy, grace and forgiveness—the way of Jesus. He promises real, lasting, abundant joy (John 10:10). There is no difficult circumstance that can steal that promise from you. Trust Him and cling to that truth always.

*Strategies to consider as we enter that difficult territory of confrontation and conflict will be explored in my upcoming book The Private Side of Leadership.

[i]Hannah Hurnard, God’s Transmitters, 65. [ii]Edith Schaeffer, BraingQuotes.com [iii]Wayne Barber, Eddie Rasnake, Richard Shepherd, Following God, Life Principles from the Women of the Bible,(Chattanooga, AMG Publishers, 1999), 54.