When the Bible Becomes a Hammer

As a young wife, when I read the Bible, I often discovered “perfect” verses to share with my husband when he came home from work. I was convinced that these bits of truth were exactly what my husband needed. One day, in frustration, Alan said,

“I wish you would stop beating me over the head with the Bible!”  I felt hurt, and honestly, his response shocked me.

As I wept and shared my heartaches

about my marriage with my mentor

and friend, Barbara, she wisely advised,

“Linda, sometimes our husbands can’t

hear the still, small voice of the Holy Spirit because our voices are so persistent and loud (1 Peter 3:1). Pray for your husband instead. Ask the Lord to show you what needs to change in you. Then work on your own attitudes and responses.” I did not expect to hear such an admonition, but her advice was exactly what I needed.

Logs and  Splinters                                For wives, refusing to control our tongues is often a sign that we’re struggling to trust God with our circumstances. Instead of praying, we advise. Instead of seeking God, we manipulate, nag, or withdraw. We magnify others’ faults while minimizing our own. Jesus’ picture of ignoring the log in our own eye while focusing on the splinter in someone else’s remains true and extremely relevant. It is also crucial to understand that men and women have different perspectives, especially in conflict resolution. God created us to think and react in ways unique to our masculine or feminine roles as well as to our various personality types. That is His perfect design; we possess myriad perspectives.

How We Approach Conflict Further, the families in which we were raised influences how we approach conflict. For example, a friend of mine grew up in the northeast, the daughter of a robust Italian Catholic family while her husband was reared in the genteel South. He laughed when he recalled the first time he experienced dinner at her parents’ home: “I thought everybody was mad at everybody else,” he exclaimed. Dinner was a loud, rambunctious affair where everyone freely expressed opinions, often hotly. Afterwards, they went about life as if nothing had happened. In contrast, his family was ruled by refined cultural dinner etiquette. They quietly ate their meals while conversing about noncontentious topics. As a result of their diverse family-of-origin dynamics, this couple carried extremely different styles of conflict resolution into their marriage relationship. One used verbal sparring while the other retreated behind a polite southern façade.

In a similar way, my husband Alan and I also held disparate views of conflict management early on. My parents never raised their voices during disputes. They also didn’t resolve issues much of the time. His mom, however, was prone to yelling to communicate displeasure. So early in our marriage, when Alan raised his voice, I truly thought our relationship was falling apart. Finding a way to deal with such tension eluded me. Further, my constant withdrawal from conflict frustrated him. Neither of us had any idea how to resolve our differences: he shouted; I retreated.

Overcome Years of Negative Habits                                                       Alan, when teaching on communication, warns, “Silence is not the only soil that nurtures misunderstanding. One-way communication is equally rich in the nutrients that can produce a bumper crop of frustration.” After many years of conflict misery, I found the courage to confront Alan, telling him, “Stop! Please do not talk to me in that angry tone. I will listen when you speak to me with respect.” He, too, challenged me to stop fleeing conflict by leaving the room or shutting down in angry, hurt silence. Also, I stopped lecturing him with Bible verses and began developing my own spiritual growth. We both realized our lack of good communication skills was slowly eroding our marital relationship. It is difficult but not impossible for each spouse to overcome years of negative habits. The results of positive change can bring a deepening love and trust that helps couples weather future conflicts and troubles.

Major problems left unresolved can gradually undermine a marriage, ultimately tearing a couple apart. The accumulating tensions brings bitterness and resentment that eat away at feelings of affection and friendship. Learning to work through disagreements is key, even when emotions mount.  As we consider how to focus on the spiritual work we need to do, we can assess our own responses:

• Do I close my heart when hurt by remaining silent or withholding affection?

• Do I explode in anger, accuse, or pout when decisions or situations don’t go

  my way?

• Do I blame my spouse rather than examine my own motives and behaviors?

  
  

God wants us to remain open to Him and to others, especially those we love.  We need to activate the fruit of His Spirit, which include love, patience, kindness, and especially self-control: “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me” (Psalm 51:10 ESV).

Because God desires our continued spiritual growth, He won’t send fewer people to offend us or fewer problems to confound us; He’ll send more so that others can see His work in us. Real change begins when we allow God to work on us first.

If this struggle resonates with you, I write more about this subject—and practical ways to handle it—in Chapter 8: “He’s Wrong, Now What?” from my book, The Private Side of Leadership: An Honest Guide for Leader’s Wives. Available on Amazon: bit.ly/4k7eXw6